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Title is useless.

I just finished my personal statement and testimonial, and frankly, it reeks of egoism, arrogance and superiority. For the practicality of survival in today's society, we go so far to achieve a worthy purpose.

I betrayed my morales, my values, my beliefs. I'm glad it's over.

It was still, in essence, a good chance for self-reflection, waking myself up to the stark reality that I really don't have much achievements. Unlike in lower sec, I no longer excel in any subjects (even those that I like, like maths) because somewhere in my mind, I think it is not necessary to. But looking back, I'm actually feeling quite guilty cos I have no point to anchor my pride to. Humility is good, but being proud of something...it makes you feel more alive.

I'm just a popularity wannabe, a trying-to-get-the-best-of-ALL-worlds suck-up boy. It's time I have some pride.

Therefore, may I conclude that sometimes, when I swear vulgarities, I pride in being myself instead of the constipated me I show to others most of the time? ALthough I feel no pride in being rude to my parents of course. I don't deliberately offend anyone because I don't see the need to, not because I want to gain their favour. Get that right! =)

4/7/09

I can't think of a better title. Yes, I'm not creative, but no thank you. =)

E-learning may have had been a life-saver, for many things. YES I HAVEN'T FINISH HOMEWORK, and more importantly the time given to solve all the problems I had with that plasmon ruler project was time well spent.

I remember I (unabashedly) slept through 1 math period. Guilty, yes, I promise I'll make up for it...somehow =P. But that was after sleeping at 3 a.m. on Wednesday (Thursday), and sleeping from 1am to 6.pm AND THEN going to school to hand in Biotech fair report AND THEN coming back home.

Enough about myself, maybe it's time I talk about others. Haha.

I remember a large part of monday-thursday was devoted to counting dots. And thankfully for dearest Shunxiang and Samuel, we manage to count over 10000++ (I reckon) teeny weeny dots in over 100 pictures. Well, that's OUR project. Shunxiang FTW, for recounting dots in 16 pictures (thanks! I know it is backbreaking work), and of course, the crucial person in the team: SLIM the visionary, the revolutionary...auxiliary.

No lah, there's no denying his contribution. I'm sure he'll make a great researcher when we are all adults.

Next, I face a dilemma! To put it in a negative way, Mr Ong's quite hiong towads me, putting such a decision in my hand, but that's because I'm lazy, I'm a slacker, I don't want to decide, and I don't want to bear the consequences lah. Had a nice chat with him on midnight Thursday/Friday, puts forward a lot of NPCC-related matters, and I think the team's efforts have not been drowned in the sea of negativity and criticism towards our squad.

I can't help but think whether sometimes, nice comments put forth are for a higher purpose or agend, but at a macro view, it's quite selfish for me to be picky to choose good comments from other people. Well I AM happy.

Not yet, there's still 1 more term.

And frankly, when we break down NPCC, it is the character-building that matters more, but it is the friendship which matters most. Considering how I've never given a damn about by birthday since dunnohowlong, I've actually received PRESENTS and TWO bdae cakes, so touched =;). Maybe it is time that I take note of the birthdays of people who matter too. Thanks NP mates! Thanks hillary challenge team! Thanks Sam and Shunxiang! Thanks Mom, Dad and sis! =D

That's a lot of people if I ever start to count, because throughout my HC life, it has never been me myself who should claim sole credit for my growth; everyone around me is an integral part of my life, no matter the extent, and I'm sure it applies to everyone!

On a side note, I do admit that not many people are as fortunate or lucky to live a smooth life, and that includes me. But whenever you meet with a problem, it's always a clear mind, a heck-care-about-what-happens-if-you-fail attitude, helpful friends, motivation, much preseverence and your best to get through to that problem.

I'm living by that now, and I hope those who are unhappy live by that too. 'cos you have no regrets if you have done your best for something.

HAha! E-learning week, e-learning week!

It's like, it hit when everyone was about to give up on it - the long-awaited H1N1 week. HahA!

I think can have many other names 1 lor. Heh, 5th June Holiday week, complete-your-holiday-homework-week, chiong-web-study-at- 5.30am-and-slack-at-9am week, CS week, sleep-late week, yada yada yada~~~

One thing I dun like is that now NCO/FI training camp kena postpone, so means the pain prolongs...for the s3s =). Archives got my experience, go see!

And yes, 1 less week to spend with my Sec 2 Squad...I am seriously going to try a different style of NCOship on them, I wonder if it works. I just need 1-2 trainings.

And so! I am having trouble deciding what time to wake up tomorrow! 4am to do the Desmond Toh, 6am to end e-learning day early, or 0759h to enjoy the win. hmm.

By the way, last 'period' for tomorrow is bio, and HA I DON'T TAKE BIO.

It's time to clear the backlog~~~~~~~~~~~~~A mountain of them.

Nowadays, I really don't feel really good anymore. Either I'm just slack, or lack self-motivation, but i feel really let down by the actions and inactions, intended or unintended, by some people.

They make me emotional.

Am I just simply not powerful enough to change the situation? Or else otherwise, I was brought up to be like that.

Whatever, the end is near. But somehow I can picture myself tearing a piece of paper in front of some people out of frustration in the near future. There is a limit as of how far I can take insults towards the group which I belong in (or favouritsm away from) and worse, I'm still expected to work underneath.

I find Mr Tok really, really sincere when he thanked us for our efforts in UGBC today. Now that's 1 man i will willingly work under.

And when I look back, I really love my squadmates a lot, maybe some flaws here and there, but the characterization is ever unique, and the bonding is everlasting. We're reaching the end, but I still feel something. Thank you guys =)

I will not answer any comments regarding this blog post.

Did you know...

If there had been people who bothers to read my blog, you'll probably notice that I don't like to post stuff about my daily life. Actually, I do have one, I go around doing plentiful of things.

That kind of includes:

School stuff
HOMEWORK
Plasmon Ruler Project
NPCC ExCo Stuff
Quiz Competition mugging (not a lot, though)
Being an NCO

I don't blog about these things because there isn't really much to talk about when it comes to doing things. You either do YOUR best (and if it turns out well, :), learn, get stronger, and move on with life xD), or fail in doing so (emo, regret, reflect, and move on with life). I don't like to form opinions, I think that is my biggest weakness.

I mean, don't you think so? When you try to an opinion, I'd say half the time is spent on attributing blame of a mistake on others, or attributing credit of a success on yourself. Anyway, trying to attribute blame of a mistake on yourself, or else attributing credit of a success on others, can be intepreted otherwise as reflection or (Forced?) humility?

That's kind of due to the mere fact that you can't change how others behave. "You can't change the wind, but you can adjust the sails on YOUR yacht to reach your destination".

(But beyond all that innocent thoughts, I'm not as innocent and babylike >=). When something inspires my feelings, I'd think more about it.)


Well, there you have it, egoistic old me trying to break myself down so that others know more about me.

Back to Earth

I'm so sorry about the previous 2 posts, they were meant to vent out all my thoughts, so it sounded deep and complicated, but actually it was just a pile of nonsense.

I find every Sunday a waste of time - I just cannot muster enough discipline to do my work! That kind of includes homework, and that's dangerous. Why? Because when you look at the 2cm thick pile of paper, you know deep down that you will die if you don't start digesting homework early.

Just a few more months to go...and we shall all relinquish our responsibilities. FINALLY.

Currently, all I want to do is to sleep. The greatest, most dominant inner desire forced into some corner of the brain. Sleep, sleeep, sleeeeeeeeeeeep for the entire day. If I confess that I have been doing that for the whole of today, I'm sure I will have offended someone.

I'm so sorry. My pace of life slows down on Sundays =(. I can only blame myself for not having the capacity to tank and tank and tank without resting or destressing, because if I don't i become temperemental and irrational.

I will be like some others - not stuffing actions for processing through the machine of thoughts. Kind of like how we make Ba Chor in our Ba Chor Mee. Then I'll go around to piss everyone off around me.

For now, life is simple, life is great, life slows down to become meaningful on a particular Sunday. Come on, even the busiest man on Earth needs breathing space in order to stay sane, in order to have a meaningful life. Otherwise, some people will "rather have no life". =]

P.S: I think people who say that they "rather have no life" are pretty interesting and are filled with feelings, thus I conclude that they aien't robots after all, and possess life.

Double-faced

Is it okay to be double-faced?

Or i should just attribute it to my super-fast ability of forgetting grudges.

Or maybe the other side handled it really well.

I'm not sure, but the tinge of deeper realizations are still there.

I will thus forget the complicated equations that was needed to arrive at the answer, and instead stick with the answer.

Philosophy

There's not one person, not one person out there who can lead by being fully committed to the cause of their followers.

There're not many who come close. And the numbers are dwindling. Therefore, I shall aim to be one.

Did you realize, that once you adjust your leadership style for your own selfish (subconsciousness) needs, you're not really leading for the overarching target.

Meaning, when you address a squad, you vary your tone, words, body language and volume in such a way that it throws the squad in the exact correct direction.

Trying to gain popularity with a squad, or trying to vent your feelings, is not going to work if it is not going to work.

Anyway, I always believed that a person works best when he/she believes in what he/she is doing. Therefore I will lead with my emotions, but consciously.

Now I am committed to believe that the failure of a squad is always the fault of the NCOs, not the squad. Therefore, I will stop attributing blame to anyone else, and move on forward with my former blaze.

Of course, we take note that influencing a particular group of people will influence many, many factors: The mindsets of that group, their impressions on the leader, their respect towards their leader, the culture of the group.....etc., besides just reaching the aim and changing the immediate action of the group.

Therefore, gainig respect is difficult, and leadership is tough. It definitely calls for unwavering preseverence (which I hopefully have), flexible adaptability, overwhelming sensitivity to the surroundings and beyond, the ability to manipulate the subconsciousness with one's consciousness, and of course, being able to control, not resist, what your emotions tell you to do.

The mind of the individual must wander to stay humane, but gears of the clockwork.

And sometimes we have to realize how much more we can actually do than what we are doing right now.

Instead of attributing blame, we realize and spot mistakes, learn, adapt, get accustomed, and move on. But the emotions from attributing blame can always be useful in doing the latter.

We must reflect.

Because no one is perfect, we can always strive towards that by retaining the pluses and changing the minuses.

Because once you lose the preseverence to continue changing forever, you will never improve. And improve what you want to improve.

UGBC

“A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all, a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting.”

Dunno?

Grit your teeth and move on, TY.

A pretty damn badass win

1345h: Tired of waiting for the closing ceremony to start. Lies down on bench.
1346h: Chairperson for SISC organizing committee pops by

"You guys are Hwachong right? I'm here to inform you that you guys have to present during the closing ceremony."
*Me looks at her*
"Er, yar. Don't tell anyone yet.."

1347h: Theron stops drawing his caricatures and does imba shit on his computer to brighten up our already beautiful ppt.
1348h: I calls Ernest.

"Ernest?"
"Yes?"
"I have bad news for you."
"What?"
"We have to present later. Come back to NJC"
(Ernest go poolside buy coke)
"What? XIAN, need to present. Can I come over at 2?
"NO. Just come"
"..Okay, bye."

1352h: I calls Ernest again

"I'm about to cross the bridge!"
"Okay, then hurry up."
"Does this mean we are the top 5 teams?"
"No, we're the TOP."
"Oh, okay. Bye."

1356h: Everyone was sitting around the canteen table.
Theron: "We're supposed to be happy lah."
"Yar Hor."
Ernest: "Why must get championship? Get distinction can already, at least noneed go up present."

At least something after 4 days of failure and demoralization.
And 2.5h of sleep yesterday. Ernest accidentally fell asleep =\
It was pure hard determination and the "just do it" spirit.

Thanks NJC and nice chaperons (ZheYuan and Jade) for making the past 4 days a little bit brighter, and the 5th day shining.

At least Hwachong got a bit of something, and I got my fighting spirit back.

End of SISC

Quite an ambitious competition, and it sapped up all my school time.

Well, wadeva. Didn't win anything, but it's over =D

Diamond box

His mindset reminds me of a diamond box (as in box made of diamond) - extremely hard, which provides stability, security and assurance to whatever he is officially concerned with. Sometimes it looks good too if it wants to!

Meanwhile, it frustrates others because the box is too hard to open up and accommodate more, isolating the official concerns within. While those not within his concerns are completely unassociated. Although it may look good, when used as a projectile to attack it is effective in causing extreme pain while leaving the official concerns within completely intact. It's an ornament, but it's extremely unhelpful to the garments it is on. It only serves its purpose as the diamond box - nothing else. Did I mention it's cold to the touch?

It's an eternal faction. I can't and shall not try to carve a hole through it. The most memorable is the pain, but as you all know I'm good at forgetting things.

Dang

I am arrogant.
I am emo.
I am inefficient.
I am unmotivated.
I am loud.
I am insensitive.
I am proud.
I am uncommitted.
I am forgetful.
I lack resolve.
I lack mental strength.
I cannot socialize.
I cannot think critically.

Sad headache

When Terence once said there were "inherent problems with the ExCo", the 2 names that flashed in my mind are the exact ones causing trouble right now.

Heartache.

EDIT: IRONICALLY IF YOU THINK IT'S YOU IT'S NOT.

Many many things happened THIS WEEK.

dorrtz.

Hehe, first thing, if you guys haven't noticed, I've changed my blogskin. Looks horrendous to some, looks okay to others, I don't mind cos it was meant to be symbolic. =) Maybe IF I HAVE THE TIME I'll find some way to tweak the minute imperfections here and there.

It's been a hectic week, aplenty with class stuff and NP stuff and my AuNP project stuff.

We're currently realizing that there's some imperfections with our AuNP project, therefore our current expereimental plan is 'epic fail' - Kok Hao. On one hand, our project's doomed to failure, on the other it makes the whole thing about research much more fun and exciting. With L and potassium oxide, I'm sure we can find a way out somehow =)

For class arh, i dunno whether Mrs Lee and Ms Sunita is in cahoots one, but they echo each other. Both of them think our class is just MSG and lacks in character, and doesn't have interest in lang or IH because we're science. Well, they sat together during assembly. But in any case, i still think our class is pretty imba one, and somehow there're a few black baas here and there.

Speaking of which, assembly time panel discussion is getting more & more fail with time. I dunno what's wrong with Dr Hon, maybe he's being too magnanimous, but when people go up the microphone and argue crap, he can just laugh it off and defuse the tense situation. Beyond that, the crappers are making the cohort look idiotic, dense and as Ms Sunita said, "The brain hasn't reached ignition key, and the mouth is already in 5th gear." Maybe because i lacked sleep, but everyone said i sounded pissed when i made the first sensible comment of the day (besides the panellists, of course).

NPCC-wise, busy, busy, busy, admin, squad, quiz comp. Quiz comp need to kick more intense liao.

And i'm looking forward to class dance xD

Quote of the day

Inconveniences and misunderstandings. says:
aiya u in class hold the camera with 2 hands can le
Inconveniences and misunderstandings. says:
i cannot
Inconveniences and misunderstandings. says:
i mortal
WEEdle VS Kakuna, Who will win !? says:
i just scared the power dissipated become too great
WEEdle VS Kakuna, Who will win !? says:
then my camera imploades...

Leadership in dynamism

I often pride myself for being able to be on top of things, being able to prevent emotions and hard targets from clouding my actions and behavior. Still a long way there =\.

I often preach to my squad about self-reflection, I think I'm not doing that enough for myself either. Maybe I should start to realize that an egg needs to be cushioned, so in our attempts to hammer it into the appropriate oval shape we should always avoiding too much to crack it.

The egg analogy is a bit too extreme i suppose. But commendation is always a form of encouragement, and encouragement is always a good form for motivation, and motivation is always a good start for improvement.

However, 4 years is just about enough to shape a shape.

Is preferential treatment towards different cadets, by the NCOs, justified?

Things happen

I am...kind of let down when I finally made up my mind to stop the Singaporean habit of "2 seater seat sits 1 person" on the bus. If you didn't know what that means, well you should start observing the nice trend of Singaporeans abroad SBS buses.

I don't like the way how this trend keep working out - it clearly shows that Singaporeans are generally introvert, trapped in their own puny world, selfish, and lack warmth within the society.

The old lady sitting beside me (inner sit) just looked around, squeeze past me, and settle herself down in another empty 2-seater seat.

Beyond that, today Mr Loh blew his top because 90% of the class didn't do a worksheet he gave us but never tell us to do. His argument was that "independent" learners "should not be reminded to do homework". My question is, if we are truly independent, why do we need to do homework for teachs to mark?

Gotta keep the momentum up or I'll lose it anytime.

And besides, my handwriting still sucks, and my critical skills are backtracking. Need to exercise my mind more.

Cue card/niao wars are interesting.

Memory run wild

Let my brain wonder for a bit...

Ain't nothing going on well for me, it's all personal. I'd rather overcommit, cos if I allow gaps in my concentration these gaps will widen considerably.

The problem of procrastination is that you thought you got your priorities right, and that some things are more important than others. Well, hard truth for me, everything is as important, thus I'll need to sacriface some sleep.

The problem of sacrifacing sleep is that attention span during class is greatly reduced. That's why I try to make it a point to sleep ON TIME (12mn). I think this sleeping time is too early. I should learn to concentrate beyond 8pm, rly.

The problem of me concentrating is that I can't, because my mind likes to wander about. I should start screwing my brain soon, twist it around, sharpen it with constant exercises and writing, and finally re-stretch it to increase it's capacity. (Not literally of course, just mentally).

The problem of me forgetting things is just the reflection of the underlying problem of me downplaying the importance of certain things. I start to place judgement on all things, ranking it from most impt to bullshit, and my mind will subconsciously drop bullshit outta my memory. I should disable this function.

The problem of me not being able to gaining enough stamina to do all the right things at one go is troublesome. Maybe I should forget about this thing called stamina for the mind.

The problem of me not willing to go the extra mile to deal with people shows just how lazy and incapable I am, so I should forget about my weaknesses, tighten my concentration muscles and numb it.

The problem of me shooting my mouth off is a by-product of influence by some people. I used to be super crappy in pri 6, but since mid S1 i realized that I am offending far too much people and I tone down. Now it's coming back.

I always assume that I can read people accurately. Even though this is untrue, everyone is doing it, and I have to do it. =.=

Lucky for me, I have friends who inspire me to my core, and lucky for me, I have a target to strive for. Time for my adaptation genes to play. =)

Quote of the day

WEEdle VS Kakuna, Who will win !? says:
but becuz u respect me too much

And million others of stupidity from today's pannel 'discussion'.

Thinking

I always thought that others really deserve a chance to shine their talents.

In some ways I think I'm right =D

Something disturbing happened today.

I dun even wanna talk about it anyway. Only god knows what I'm talking about (Right, Jonkhoo?)

Another nice one

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." James Heller

Interesting Things Happened Today

Interesting things happened today!

1. Projects' day prelims was an excellent opportunity for 90%++ of the school population to waste their time.
2. Our group presented 1h later than scheduled. Good job scheduler xD.
3. With a Rubbish, a Dustbin and National Schools Wushu Competition Bronze Medallist in our Cat 1 proj. Day team, ++ Mrs har and Kok Hao =), I guessed we pretty much owned the floor today with the presentation.
4. Found out that iCouncil isn't doing too well =(. I can't say that I'm disappointed, but leaves me kind of worried.
5. Went to IMRE and, for the first time, did some lab work!
6. When I opened up the EMB message about debate finals, I was like OMFG 4S4 GOT INTO FINALS. I'm impressed, and now certain of the prowness of our debating powerhouses in my class, especially for Yao Nian. =], come to think of it, we had pretty much luck - who did we get for opponents thus far? 4O2, 4A1, 4P2. No L classes. Phew.
7. There was no L classes because our opponents, 4S2, cleaned all of them, beating the likes of Gregory Alva Ng aaaaand Bird master (!!!!). So, if we win 4S2, I'm really going to be crazy =.= although that shouldn't happen. Have faith in our powerhouses!

Yea, besides that, nothing else, except in less than 2 weeks, our class is going to perform on stage in front of the S4 cohort, and guess what? We haven't prepd.

WHEN IS THE NPCC SERVER COMING UP.

On a side note

"i am too NOOB, i myself am speechless at that fact." Jonathan Khoo, the man who destroyed AND RECREATED the sun, the man who scored below 1.6 for MSG, and the man who will create 100 slides on ALL ABOUT SINGAPORE for Quiz Com by Saturday.

I made many mistakes today

1. Acting on my instincts (subconsciousness thinking, irrational acting).
2. No consideration to others.
3. Being Downright selfish.
4. Inefficient and untruthful.
5. Did not rely, and share my plans with my fellow NCOs.
6. Being very unmyself. I can't remember myself anymore.
7. Shit. !.
8. Being very unreceptive of useful comments and suggestions.
9. Trying to sacriface progress over personal relationships.
10. Too imaginative.
11. Too lazy.
12. I break promises.
13. I take things personally.
14. I don't do things.

I'm shocked at myself T.T

Will I re-adapt?

National Schools Gymnastics Competition

Feeling dizzy from a day of hard work. I shall shelve my work temporarily for 45 minutes or so. =(

One of the RA RA Days of my life that I should not, and will never forget!

SPF-NPCC Badge Presentation Ceremony. The quote I loved most:

"No man is an island."

No one is ever a standalone, it takes >1. And it took.

I want to thank many people, seriously. Without you, it would never had been that way. Besides the NCOs, we have Kiat Long, Yong Quan, Yan Seng, Shaun, Eugene, Tze Hao, Benspark, Chunqi, Cheng'an, JON KHOO...can't rattle complete list offhand, so if i missed you, I'm sorry!

And of course, Hongkang, Kenneth, HongKee, Javan, Zhen Quan, Wei Lin, Nick Tang (!!!), Zhen Wei, Qingyang, Yingjie, Chongwe, Pok and Guochen.

2 more terms!

Aaand...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

!@#$%

Oddly, all the forwarded e-mails I received today appears be forwarded 4 days after the original receipient had received them.

Nvm.